The silence in the bedroom
Picture this scenario. It is 11 PM on a Tuesday. You are lying in bed on your side, scrolling through Instagram reels. Your partner is on their side, checking work emails or watching a video. The lights are off, but the blue light from the screens illuminates the gap between you. You are physically inches apart, but it feels like miles. You might think, "When was the last time we actually touched?" If this scene feels familiar, take a deep breath. You are not alone.
In fact, a recent survey revealed that only 20% of Indian couples had sex more than once a week, a number that has dropped significantly from 37% just a decade ago. The issue has become so prevalent that the Delhi High Court recognized sex-starved marriages as an 'undeniable epidemic'. Yet, despite how common it is, nobody talks about it. We treat it like a shameful secret, assuming that a lack of physical intimacy means the love is gone or the relationship is failing. But that is rarely the whole story.
Experts typically define a sexless marriage as one where the couple has sex less than ten times a year. In the US, statistics show that between 15-20% of married couples didn't have sex in the past year. While the numbers are comforting, they don't solve the loneliness you feel right now. To fix it, you first need to understand what is really going on beneath the surface.
1. The exhaustion epidemic
Let's be real about modern Indian life. Between demanding corporate jobs, long commutes in traffic-choked cities like Bangalore or Mumbai, and the pressure to maintain a social life, you are likely running on empty. When you are physically and mentally drained, your body prioritizes survival over intimacy. It is hard to feel romantic when you are just trying to get through the week without collapsing.
Research on Swiss couples found that external stress like work conflicts significantly impacts relationship satisfaction and intimacy. When both partners are stressed, they are less likely to support each other, creating a cycle of distance. If you are a dual-career couple, by the time you hit the mattress, sleep isn't just a need—it is a luxury you can't afford to trade for anything else.
Try this: The 15-minute wind-down
Create a buffer zone between work and home. Before you interact with each other, take 15 minutes to decompress individually—shower, listen to music, or just sit in silence. When you do come together, you are bringing a slightly recharged version of yourself to the relationship, not just the leftover fumes of a stressful day.
2. The emotional disconnect
Sex isn't just physical; for many people, it is deeply emotional. If you feel like roommates who just coordinate grocery lists and bill payments, the spark naturally fades. This is often called "roommate syndrome." You function perfectly as a team running a household, but you have stopped seeing each other as romantic partners.
When emotional intimacy drops, physical intimacy usually follows. You might stop holding hands, hugging, or giving compliments. Without that daily non-sexual touch and emotional connection, jumping straight to sex feels jarring and unnatural. You need to rebuild the bridge of friendship before you can cross the bridge of desire.
Try this: The non-logistical check-in
Make a rule: for 10 minutes a day, you cannot talk about work, chores, money, or kids. You can only talk about how you are feeling, a dream you had, or something funny you saw. Rebuilding the emotional bridge often reopens the physical one naturally.
3. The communication breakdown
Here is the tricky part: the less you do it, the harder it is to talk about it. Silence breeds awkwardness. You might worry that bringing it up will hurt your partner's feelings or make them feel pressured. So, you say nothing, hoping it will fix itself. But it rarely does.
A meta-analysis of 48 studies confirmed that couples' sexual communication positively correlates with sexual desire and overall function. Simply put, talking about it helps. But starting that conversation is terrifying. This is where technology can actually help bridge the gap. Apps like BaeDrop provide a safe space to answer fun, low-pressure questions about your preferences and desires, turning a scary conversation into a playful game of discovery.
Try this: The "no-pressure" talk
Agree to have a conversation about intimacy with one ground rule: no sex is expected afterwards. Take the pressure off completely. Talk about what you miss, what you enjoy, and what barriers you are feeling. When the goal is understanding rather than performance, walls start to come down.
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4. Unspoken resentments
It is hard to be intimate with someone when you are secretly angry at them. Maybe they forgot your anniversary, or they never help with the dishes, or they made a snide comment about your family. These small hurts, if not addressed, pile up into a wall of resentment.
In many Indian households, we are taught to "adjust" and keep the peace. But swallowing your anger doesn't make it go away; it just kills your desire. Your body often says "no" even when your mind thinks you should say "yes," because the emotional safety isn't there. You cannot be vulnerable with someone you resent.
Try this: The "clear the air" session
Set a time to discuss lingering frustrations. Use "I feel" statements (e.g., "I feel overwhelmed when I do all the housework") rather than accusations. Clearing out the emotional trash creates space for affection to return.
5. Mismatched drives and styles
Sometimes, it is not about anger or stress—it is just that you are different. One of you might need emotional connection to feel aroused (demisexual), while the other connects through the physical act itself. Or perhaps one of you has a high drive and the other has a lower one. This mismatch can lead to a "pursuer-distancer" dynamic, where one person constantly asks and the other constantly pulls away.
Understanding your unique intimacy patterns is crucial. Realizing that your partner isn't rejecting you, but just operates differently, changes the entire narrative from "they don't want me" to "we speak different languages." It removes the blame and allows you to find a middle ground.
Try this: Schedule it (yes, really)
It sounds unromantic, but waiting for "spontaneous" desire often means waiting forever. Scheduling intimacy doesn't mean it has to be mechanical. It means you are prioritizing your relationship. It gives the lower-drive partner time to mentally prepare and the higher-drive partner the reassurance that it will happen.
6. Life transitions and family dynamics
In the Indian context, privacy can be a major hurdle. Living in a joint family often means thin walls and constant interruptions. The fear of being heard or walked in on can be a massive mood killer. Add a new baby to the mix, and intimacy often vanishes completely.
Parenthood changes everything. Bodies change, sleep disappears, and the baby becomes the center of the universe. It is normal for intimacy to take a backseat during these transitions, but it shouldn't be kicked out of the car entirely. You have to fight for your privacy and your couple time.
Try this: The "lock on the door" rule
Create a sanctuary. Put a lock on your bedroom door and use it. Teach family members (and kids, if they are old enough) that closed doors mean "do not disturb." Reclaiming your physical space is the first step to reclaiming your intimate space.
7. Mental health struggles
Depression and anxiety are libido killers. If you are feeling low, anxious, or struggling with self-worth, your sex drive is often the first thing to shut down. Certain medications can also affect your drive. In our culture, we often brush off mental health issues as just "stress" or "moodiness," but they are real medical reasons for a lack of intimacy.
Try this: Compassionate support
If you suspect mental health is the cause, approach it with kindness. Encourage your partner (or yourself) to seek professional help. Intimacy can wait; health comes first. Often, as mental health improves, desire naturally returns.
Conclusion
Finding yourself in a sexless relationship doesn't mean your love story is over. It is a signal—a dashboard light blinking to tell you that something under the hood needs attention. Whether it is stress, silence, or just the chaos of life, these barriers can be overcome.
Rebuilding intimacy is a journey of small steps. It starts with a conversation, a touch, or a moment of understanding. Be patient with each other. You are on the same team, fighting for your connection, not against each other. Start today by simply holding hands or asking a question that matters.
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