Why Indian couples actually fight: it's not just bad communication

The fight over the last samosa (or anything else, really)

Picture this: You've just finished hosting friends for dinner. Your partner heads straight to the couch, scrolling through their phone, while you're stuck with a mountain of dirty dishes. You feel a surge of annoyance, a tiny spark of resentment. They, on the other hand, feel relaxed, thinking the work is done, unaware of the storm brewing. Before you know it, you're in a full-blown argument about "who does more around here" and "why don't you ever help?" Sound familiar? We've all been there, caught in a loop where a small incident explodes into a much larger conflict.

Here's the thing most Indian couples don't realize—this isn't really about the dishes. It's not even just about communication, even though that's what everyone blames. This is about something way deeper: you're two totally different people trying to share one life. And honestly? That's incredibly hard, especially when those differences are rooted in distinct upbringings and cultural expectations.

The myth of "just communicate better"

We're constantly told that if we just "communicate better," everything will be fine. It's the go-to advice for every relationship problem, from minor disagreements to major blowouts. But sometimes, that's like putting a band-aid on a broken bone. You can talk until you're blue in the face, using all the "I feel" statements in the world, but if you're not addressing the root cause, the same arguments will keep popping up, just with different words.

The real challenge isn't always about how you say things, but about the fundamental differences in what you believe, value, and expect from life and each other. Research shows that communication does not consistently predict relationship satisfaction over time, suggesting deeper issues drive relationship quality. So, while good communication is super important for navigating daily life, it's not a magic wand that makes your inherent differences disappear. It's a tool, not the solution itself.

What "otherness" means for Indian couples

So, what are these "deeper issues"? We call it "otherness." It's the simple, profound fact that your partner is a separate human being with their own unique history, upbringing, and worldview. For Indian couples, this "otherness" is often amplified by a few key factors that add layers of complexity:

• Family backgrounds: You grew up in different homes, with different rules, traditions, and ways of showing love. Maybe one family had loud, expressive arguments, while the other preferred quiet diplomacy. What's normal for their family might be completely alien to yours, leading to misunderstandings about respect, boundaries, and emotional expression.

• Arranged vs. love marriage expectations: Whether your marriage was arranged or a love match, you both come in with preconceived notions of what a partner should be. In arranged marriages, expectations might be shaped by family ideals; in love marriages, by romanticized notions. These deeply ingrained expectations can clash hard when reality sets in, creating friction over roles, responsibilities, and even expressions of affection.

• Modern vs. traditional values: One of you might lean more traditional, valuing family obligations above all else, perhaps expecting a partner to prioritize in-laws or specific cultural rituals. The other might embrace modern independence, valuing personal space, career growth, and a more egalitarian partnership. This is a huge source of friction for many young Indian couples, especially as couples in India are experiencing a shift in gender roles and expectations, with traditionally predefined roles being challenged. These differing worldviews often manifest in daily arguments about everything from finances to childcare.

These differences aren't just theoretical; they play out in everyday life. Maybe your partner believes in saving every rupee, a habit ingrained from a humble upbringing where every penny counted, while you, from a more affluent background, believe in enjoying life's luxuries and experiences. Or perhaps one of you prioritizes career growth and personal ambition, working long hours, while the other expects more time dedicated to family and social gatherings, feeling neglected. Then there's the classic in-law dynamic: your partner's unwavering loyalty to their parents might feel like a betrayal to you, who expects your new family unit to come first. These aren't communication failures; they're clashes of deeply held beliefs and experiences that require more than just talking.

In fact, communication breakdowns and incompatibility are significant contributors to marital discord in India, with urban areas experiencing higher relationship stress due to fast-paced lifestyles. This stress often comes from these underlying differences, not just a simple lack of talking. It's the unspoken expectations and clashing worldviews that create the real tension.

Why accepting differences is harder than it sounds

If it's just about accepting differences, why is it so tough? Well, our egos get in the way. We often believe our way is the "right" way, the logical way, or even the morally superior way. It's hard to admit that someone else's equally valid perspective can exist alongside ours, especially when it challenges our comfort zone. Plus, cultural conditioning plays a huge role. We're taught certain norms about gender roles, family hierarchy, and how relationships should function from a young age. When our partner deviates from these ingrained blueprints, it can feel like a personal attack, a sign of disrespect, or even a threat to our identity.

Then there are family loyalties. In Indian culture, family bonds are incredibly strong, often extending beyond the nuclear unit. It's hard to challenge what your parents or elders believe, even if it conflicts with your partner's needs or your shared vision for your new family. This pressure to please parents while building your own identity as a couple can create immense internal and external conflict. It's not about being stubborn; it's about navigating years of ingrained beliefs and expectations, often with the weight of an entire family's approval on your shoulders.

Sometimes, these clashes can even feel like unhealthy patterns if not handled with care. It's crucial to understand that your partner's "otherness" isn't a flaw to be fixed, but a fundamental part of who they are. Trying to erase it is like trying to erase a part of them, which only leads to resentment and distance.

Embracing "otherness": a new approach for Indian couples

So, how do you move past fighting your partner's "otherness" and start embracing it? It begins with a fundamental shift in mindset: from judgment to curiosity. Instead of trying to change them into a clone of yourself, try to actually understand why they are the way they are. What experiences shaped their views on money, family, household chores, or even how they express love? This isn't about agreeing with everything; it's about seeking to understand the roots of their perspective.

This doesn't mean you have to agree on everything or abandon your own values. It means acknowledging and respecting their perspective, even if it's different from yours. It's about creating a space where both of you feel seen, heard, and valued for your unique selves, not just for the parts that align perfectly. This approach can transform potential conflicts into opportunities for deeper connection, mutual growth, and a richer, more nuanced shared life.

But how do you do that without therapy or endless exhausting conversations that just go in circles? Some couples are finding fun ways to discover each other—through quizzes, games, and interactive stuff that makes learning about your partner feel less like homework and more like an adventure. Tools like BaeDrop's Epic Vibes make it fun to learn what your partner actually thinks about everything from future plans to silly preferences, sparking conversations instead of arguments. It's a low-pressure way to uncover those hidden layers of "otherness" that often lead to conflict.

Practical ways to discover your partner's unique world

Embracing "otherness" doesn't require grand gestures or intense therapy sessions. It's about small, consistent efforts to understand and appreciate your partner's unique perspective. Here are a few practical ways to start integrating this approach into your daily life:

• Ask open-ended questions: Move beyond surface-level conversations. Instead of "How was your day?" try "What was the most interesting thing that happened today?" or "What's something you're looking forward to this week, and why?" Dig deeper into their thoughts and feelings, exploring the motivations behind their actions and beliefs.

• Observe without judgment: Pay attention to their reactions, habits, and preferences without immediately labeling them as "right" or "wrong." Instead of thinking, "Why do they always do that?" try, "I wonder why they prefer doing things that way? What's the story behind that habit?" This shift in perspective opens the door to understanding.

• Share your own "otherness": Be vulnerable and explain why you have certain beliefs or habits. Share stories from your childhood or family that shaped you into the person you are today. This encourages them to do the same, creating a safe space for mutual sharing and understanding of your respective histories.

• Play together: Engage in activities that reveal personality without pressure. Board games, travel, or even relationship quizzes can uncover surprising insights about each other's decision-making, values, and quirks in a light-hearted way. When you're having fun, defenses are down, and genuine understanding can flourish.

• Create shared rituals: Establish new traditions or routines that blend both your backgrounds and preferences. This could be a weekly date night that incorporates elements from both your cultures, or a unique way of celebrating festivals that honors both families. These rituals become a new, shared "otherness" that you build together.

Moving from conflict to curiosity

Ultimately, the couples who make it aren't the ones who never disagree—they're the ones who learn to stop fighting their partner's "otherness" and start getting curious about it instead. It's about understanding that your partner's unique perspective adds richness and depth to your shared life, rather than being a constant source of endless battles. This shift from conflict to curiosity is what truly builds a resilient, loving, and deeply connected partnership.

Learning to appreciate these differences is a journey, not a destination. It's about building a relationship where both of you can thrive as individuals while growing together. If you're wondering whether your relationship challenges are healthy or if you're falling into toxic dynamics, it's always good to reflect and seek understanding. Remember, a strong relationship isn't about two halves becoming one; it's about two whole, unique individuals choosing to walk a path together, celebrating their distinctiveness every step of the way.

Want to discover what makes your partner tick without the drama? Apps like BaeDrop turn getting to know each other into a game, not a battle. Check it out!